DEAR ABBY: I am in a committed 10-year marriage with "Cathy," a woman I love dearly. My problem is Cathy doesn't trust me. Her ex-husband cheated on her, her father cheated on her mother, and I feel like I'm paying for their sins.
I play in a band that has gigs in bars once a month. I also like to go for a beer with the fellas after work a couple of times a month (I work days in a manufacturing plant.) Whenever I play with the band and Cathy is present, I constantly have to watch that I don't talk to any women in her presence.
The place I work has 1,200 employees. Many of them come to see our band to show their support (the majority of our employees are female.) Cathy considers it disrespectful to her that they come to hear us, and she acts as if she's in constant fear that I might stray, despite my reassurances that I'm totally committed to her.
What can I do? I feel like I'm beating a dead horse.
– Desperate to Understand
in California
DEAR DESPERATE: There is nothing you can do because the problem isn't yours – it's your wife's. Until you came into her life, her two most significant male relationships were with men who were unfaithful. The fact that the male role model – her father – was a cheater set up her expectations for how "all" men behave.
If you haven't already done so, I urge you to have a serious talk with your wife about how her suspicions make you feel. It is unrealistic to expect you to spend the rest of your life wearing blinders and talking only to men. If she's smart, she'll talk to a counselor about this because suspicion and accusations that an innocent spouse is cheating can destroy a marriage as surely as infidelity can.
DEAR ABBY: I am 25, single and hard-working. I also am pregnant. The father, "Zack," is married and expecting his first child in August. I'm due in October.
I met Zack at a bar. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship, just a fun evening. Zack seemed like a nice guy. He never said he was involved with anyone, let alone married, and he wasn't wearing a ring. Well, our night of passion has now led to a lifetime of concern.
Zack doesn't want me to "ruin his marriage," and I don't want to be called a home-wrecker. I initially didn't want him involved at all, but reality has set in and I will need his financial help.
Once my baby is born, Zack will be taking a blood test to establish paternity. My family knows nothing about all this, but it's hard to hide. It will be even harder once the court comes into play regarding child support.
How should I break it to them? Should I be ashamed? I don't think so because I didn't know Zack was married, so why is he burdening me with the guilt of ruining his marriage?
– Mother-to-be in New Jersey
DEAR MOTHER-TO-BE: Tell your family in plain English about what's going on because you are going to need their emotional support in the months to come. Clearly, you will get none from Zack because he will have his hands full explaining this child to his wife.
Should you be ashamed? Unless you consider having unprotected sex with a stranger you met at a bar one of your prouder moments, I think you should.
Send letters to Dear Abby c/o Currents, The San Diego Union-Tribune, P.O. Box 120191, San Diego, CA 92112-0191.
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